What They Think of Us: The Success of United States Soccer Goalie Tim Howard Spawns Jesus Jokes

Tim Tebow found out what happens when a celebrity is open about their faith.

United States Soccer goalie Tim Howard gave the world a brilliant performance versus Belgium in the World Cup round of 16, making a record sixteen saves on some point-blank close-in shots. He has openly declared his allegiance to Jesus and has dedicated his play to Jesus’ glory. Soon afterwards, people began calling him “Bald Jesus” for his numerous saves.  Then the jokes started appearing.

http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/29syvs/whats_the_difference_between_tim_howard_and_jesus/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/worldcup2014/article-2677575/Tim-Howard-virals-The-best-internet-pictures-praising-USA-goalkeepers-great-display-against-Belgium.html

http://theodysseyonline.com/charleston/tim%20howard-%20more%20saves%20than%20jesus%20christ/60993

You Will Be Unable to Keep a Straight Face

Everyone has at times been fidgity or sleepy or distracted at church.  Mr. Bean just takes it to extremes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh__g-ZZ6WA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-ndBVwf3U

Another Light Bulb Joke: Hebrew Prophets

One.
How many Hebrew prophets does it take to change a light bulb?

Another light Bulb Joke: Fatalists

How many fatalists does it take to change a light bulb?
What's the point?  What difference does it make?

Another Light Bulb Joke: Thanalogists

How many Thanatologists does it take to change a light bulb?
They would not change it because thanatologists prefer dead bulbs.

Another Light Bulb Joke: Scientologists

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A pre-clear and an auditor need at least six auditing sessions.

What They Think of Us: Emo Philips

Emo Philips is a standup comedian whose comedy persona is that of an idiot savant.  He seems to be rambling and speaking nonsense and then suddenly he thrusts in his knife blade.  I do not know his religious affiliation, if any.  Here are two of his acid comments on Christians.

http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/140

With Italian subtitles:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRLPr5biDhs

http://www.religiouscriticism.com/christianity/emo-philips/

Lightbulb Joke

“How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, But she’ll need six weeks preparation and will get upset if you don’t spell her name correctly in the bulletin.”

From the Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

Coming Home Late

“The minister was waiting up for his teenaged daughter who was out far past her curfew.  When she finally came home around 3:00 a.m. he bellowed, ‘Good morning, child of the devil!’

The girl answered respectfully, ‘Good morning, Father.’”

From the Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

Praying for God

"A little girl was asked to pray in Sunday School. "Dear Lord," she said, "please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my brother and my doggy and me.  And please take care of Yourself, too, Lord.  If anything happens to You, we'll be in big trouble."

From the Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

   

Impersonations of Famous Preachers

(Some videos will not play properly when you click on the triangle.  Instead,  click on the title line in the picture and the video will begin .  When the video is completed, close the You Tube pop-up window to return to this blog.)

Another Light Bulb Joke

How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  They usually don't stay long enough for the light to burn out.

A Wedding Hope

“I hope you realize what a generous and giving person you are marrying,” the bride’s father said to the groom.

“I do sir!” said the groom. “And I hope she inherited those fine qualities from her father.”

“From The Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.”

Crossed Messages

“A preacher died.  Shortly thereafter a man with the same name went on a business trip to a southern state.  He sent a telegram to his wife, but it was delivered to the preacher’s wife by mistake.  It said, “Arrived safely.  Sure is hot here!”

“From The Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.”

Another Light Bulb Joke

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes seventeen million years.

Playing on the Porch

“A pastor was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy across the street struggling to ring a doorbell.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the pastor walked across the street and placed his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder before leaning over to give the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”  To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

“From The Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.”

Gladly the Bear

“A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that they sang a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.  It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really ‘Gladly the Cross I’d Bear.’”

From the Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

“It was snack time at Sunday School and the teacher was getting ready to hand out giant chocolate chip cookies.  Two young brothers began to argue over who would get the first cookie.  The teacher saw an opportunity for a moral lesson: “If Jesus were here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first cookie.  I can wait.’”

The older boy turned to his brother and said, ‘You be Jesus.’”

From the Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

Book Comment: The Big Book of Church Jokes

The Big Book of Church Jokes (2009) is full of one-liners, extremely corny puns, irony, funny stories, and cartoons,   The subjects include, among others, pastors, tithes, weddings, funerals, heaven, the end of the world, and missionaries.

This book is probably far too American to be funny elsewhere.  Many of the jokes are based on American cultural references and many hinge on silly word play.

Held For Ransom

“A young couple was visiting a church for the first time.  As the preacher’s sermon dragged on, their little girl became restless.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

“From The Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.”